Welcome back, dear readers. When we left off, Jared and I had spent three days on Aruba, the One Happy Island, trying to find our equilibrium and make our vacation into the Kokomo mirage. Unfortunately, we were met with disappointment more often than success, and were now hoping that our remaining 4 days on the island would be Instagram-worthy tropical paradise perfection.
Day T-4: We lazed around the beach, swimming in the ocean and reading in beach chairs. The club from which we got the chairs was closed, as we’d discovered on our first dinner foray. At first, we thought the restaurant was closed for the low season, which we somewhat lamented because drinks would have been great. After some questions to the locals, however, it turned out that the restaurant had been doing something shady (we never found out exactly what) and the government was pissed off enough to fill their septic tank with sand. In Aruba, restaurants are required to have a bathroom, and filling the septic tank was the government’s way of making that impossible. During the week we were there, the club plopped one blue and one pink port-o-let into the blazing sun nearby and started serving beer, but they still hadn’t figured out how to remove the sand from the septic tank. Moral of the story: don’t piss off the Aruban government!
Having exhausted the (ISLAND EXPENSIVE) restaurants within walking distance, we decided to try out a well-reviewed Surinamese place for dinner. It required taking a $12 taxi to town (as we didn’t want to melt), but it turned out to be a great choice because it was also adjacent to a pharmacy that had hydrocortisone cream and aloe. We’d managed to get some rash and pretty bad sunburn despite our efforts to the contrary, and were in dire need of both products. After spending quite a bit of money on two tubes of medicine, we headed to the Surinamese diner. We loved everything except the almond drink, and will definitely be looking for Surinamese restaurants in the future. It was also very cheap compared to everything else, which was a definite bonus as our credit card was starting to get a little melty too.
After dinner, we decided to walk to a nearby grocery store in hopes of finding more Tuareg cookies to bring back to the US. The store, unfortunately, didn’t have any, but they did have something that I initially thought was an entire aisle of dishwasher tablets. They turned out to be some kind of Aruban Peeps, which look just as disgusting as the Peeps in the US, but thank goodness they’re gluten free because that makes all the difference when you want disgusting candy that looks like dishwasher detergent tablets.
Disappointed by the lack of Tuaregs and getting tired, it was time to catch a cab to the hotel. It was still hot and we were full from dinner, so we didn’t really want to walk the 20 minutes back. We decided to head in that general direction while we looked for a taxi, only to find out that once again we were in a residential area with no tourist infrastructure, including no freaking taxis. We ended up walking all the way to our hotel, cursing the heat and all the water we drank. We saw exactly one taxi the whole walk back, and it didn’t stop when we flagged it, leaving us almost running by the end of our trek because there aren’t public restrooms in the residential areas of Oranjestad either.
During this hell march, we saw a sign for Fookiu Vodka which I felt accurately captured the spirit of the moment:
The next morning (Day T-3) we were up bright and early for a tour of the rugged north shore. Our ride showed up, and the driver informed us we could sit in the front, middle, or back of the jacked-up Range Rover for “baby bumps, medium bumps, or added bumps.” Being old and grouchy, we chose the front. I’m glad we did, because our driver was running late and drove like a madman trying to make up time. Or so we thought, until we met up with the other vehicles in our group and went off-road. It turns out that our driver was actually quite tame in comparison to those of the other two Range Rovers.
Most of the tour fell into the category of “drive-by with a brief tap on the brakes to shout some info at us,” but we did stop a couple of times. The first was at a church on top of a hill. I can’t remember what was special about it (because I don’t care) but we did get a nice picture with some cacti. The second stop was at Natural Bridge, a geologic formation that used to be a sea arch, but it collapsed in 2006. I’m not quite sure why it still qualifies as a tourist attraction, but there’s a gift shop and restaurant so I guess it’s a required economic stop, even though Baby Natural Bridge (where the driver hesitated for a moment) was much more beautiful and, more importantly, still standing.
Our final stop was Natural Pool (Conchi), the supposed highlight of the tour. It was a very rough journey in our super-Rover, so bumpy that one of our fellow tourist’s cell phone bounced out of his pocket and into the road. (Though amazingly, once he realized it was gone, he was able to find it on the side of the road later.) Once at Natural Pool, we loped down the rock stairs for our close encounter with the north coast and its rough seas.
We were lucky that the waves were small that day. Even so, the sharp, moss-covered rocks that make up the approach to the pool were treacherous. Jared opted to stay on land, but I felt obligated to get a close look at this geologic marvel. After getting in and somehow managing to get back out of this tiny, dirty, crowded bowl, I can say—I should’ve skipped it. I suppose it’s pretty from above, and some people do jump off the rocks, but overall there was nothing really special about it. Had it been a day with high waves, I don’t think I could have gotten in and out without being lifted by a crane or seriously injured.
We climbed back up the stairs for the trip home. The thing that made the whole day worthwhile was that we passed the restaurant near our hotel that had been closed earlier in the week, and it was open. We immediately decided to walk over and try it. The food was excellent, though I didn’t care for the funchi, a local delicacy of fried something similar to polenta. The dessert was even better than the dinner, a flan and a chocolate mousse cake that were both spectacular.
Jared and I don’t usually stay in all-inclusive resorts. They tend to be expensive, and they’re an obstacle to meeting people and getting a feel for the local culture. The only bad thing about not staying at an all-inclusive is that we didn’t have unlimited drinks 24 hours per day, which is a little sad during a beach vacation. While we enjoyed sitting on our beach chairs by our hotel, we wanted at least one day of unlimited drinks, so we booked a day on De Palm Island (Day T-2), a little barrier island off the south coast. It’s all inclusive, includes snorkeling and banana boats, and to compete with nearby Renaissance Island, it has a few desultory flamingos. The bus picks you up, takes you to the ferry, and you get to spend a whole day lazing around on your chair with alcohol and snorkeling.
De Palm Island is a very small place and there were a lot of people, but it was a nice experience overall. We met several people from around the US while we waited in line for drinks and lounged on our chairs. I spent lots of time snorkeling, seeing a few fish I hadn’t seen in other areas, and even caught an eel poking around the rocks. Jared found a different kind of eel close to the beach, where we watched it cruise around the rocks. We took pictures of the Chilean flamingos and listened to the caretaker explain that the crabs chasing the flamingos weren’t trying to hurt them, but rather were waiting for some nice, fresh flamingo poop to hit the beach so they could have lunch.
On our last full day on the island (Day T-1), we finally gave up and rented a car because there were several things we wanted to do that we couldn’t reach via walking. Our hotel had a rental car counter in the lobby, and it turns out that renting the car was the most cost-effective thing we did all week. We went to the butterfly farm on the west side of the island. We found a great crepe restaurant for breakfast, though we ate and left quickly because it was outdoors and the heat index at 9:00 am was already over 100°F. We went to the post office to get stamps for postcards and tried to visit the archaeological museum, which unfortunately was closed for renovations. We took pictures of the blue horse statues that were scattered around the tourist area, and most importantly, we visited five more grocery stores looking for Tuareg cookies and the local rum.
We totally scored, eventually finding 16 packs of cookies and two bottles of rum, as well as a 12 pack of Coco Rico soda for our friend Vikki. After a morning walking around in the inferno, quality time with our beach chairs was in order. Following a lazy afternoon and a beautiful sunset, we made the most of our car by returning to town for dinner at a wonderful little Italian restaurant which had outside seating. A good breeze made our last night more comfortable.
The next morning, Day T-0, it was time to pack up. We very carefully rolled all our cookies into pairs of socks to protect them on the journey, and found room in our luggage for both bottles of rum and the 12 cans of Coco Rico. Dear friends, I can say with certainty that this is the only time in my life when I have hit the 50 pound luggage limit (24.5 kilograms!!), and had the attendant put a “Heavy” tag on my suitcase.
Did we like Aruba? Mostly. We enjoyed Surfside Beach and watching the planes land over the water. We saw lots of fish while snorkeling and enjoyed seeing the very different north side of this desert island. The lack of bus transportation was disappointing for a desert island that will be hit hard by climate change, but tourists in the tourist zone can walk or take the tram in that area. We got by with walking, a few taxis, and one day of a rental car. Would we go back to Aruba?
The horror story, the haunted house, the wicked twist to the plot… That’s the Aruba airport. It took what had been an okay (but not exceptional) trip and turned it into a “never again” moment that guarantees Jared and I will avoid the One Happy Island like the plague. But that’s a story for another day…
Even more bonus snorkeling pictures
Great article— fun to read! Can’t wait for the scary airport sequel to come out!
Very entertaining!!